Tuesday, February 8, 2011
This week has been wonderful and awful. It's been wonderful because I've been able to spend it with a sweet little girl and we get to know each other more and more every day. I think we are equally fascinated by each other these days. She could win in a starring contest. She loves to look at me and especially loves watching my mouth when I talk and sing to her. She often times will respond to me with a coo when she hears my voice. It's so sweet. The week has been awful because I can't stop thinking about how I am going to have to go back to work on Thursday. Everyone that sees me asks me about when I'm going back to work, if I am going to be able to make it, what daycare she is going to, if they clean there often, if I know anyone else who takes their child there, what the ratio of adults to babies is there, telling me it's going to be the worst day of my life, it's ok to cry all day, she's going to get sick in daycare, and so on. Here are all of my answers to the questions: Going back on Thursday, don't know if I'll be able to make it, she's going to Learning Adventure, they do clean often and bleach everything every Friday, my friend Ashley's baby goes there, and the ratio is 4 to 1. Everyone has been so encouraging to me and affirming me that I am a good mom and that it is normal for mothers to go through this and to be upset about it, that babies get sick often anyways, and telling me many advantages of having your baby go to daycare. It is so nice to have other moms who have gone through the same thing to go to for comfort. I need comfort. I have probably cried 10-12 times thinking about having to leave my little girl. Around 6 or 7 of those cries have all been today. It has really hit me today. Hard. I've started tearing up almost every time I've held her today. To make matters worse, she had her first round of shots today. The only time I have ever seen tears actually SQUIRT from someone's eyes was in a cartoon or from a clown at the circus. When the nurse put that first needle in Adia's left thigh, she let out the most high-pitched loudest scream I have ever heard and I saw a tear actually SQUIRT out of her right eye. Soon after, the tears just flowed down the sides of her face, soaking her soft long hair. She continued screaming, even for a few minutes after the shots were over. She held on to my index finger the whole time and squeezed it so hard that her knuckles turned white. This experience absolutely broke my heart. As soon as it was over, I scooped up my baby in nothing but her diaper and held her tight to my chest. Her cheek was pressed up against mine and I could feel the tears rubbing off of her cheeks and onto mine. After a couple minutes of soothing her and rubbing her soft little back, she calmed right down and began to fall asleep. This experience helped me to have a lot more respect for my brother and his wife. They had to see their 2 month old go through open heart surgery. I could hardly watch Adia get 3 shots. Praise God that Sam is doing great now and that we have 2 healthy babies in this family. Adia weighs 12 pounds (69th percentile), is 23 1/2 inches long (80th percentile), and her head measures in the 49th percentile. In other words- she's perfect. :) Prior to her shots, she got a little fussy when the nurse held her, but as soon as she handed her back to me, she cooed and smiled and was as happy as could be. When the doctor came in, she "talked" and smiled at both of us a whole lot. He told me that she was a "big talker for her age." I wonder where she gets that from??? She has been such a good girl tonight. She's been a little sleepier than usual, but she's been awake quite a bit too. This may sound strange, but having Adia has helped me to relate more to my parents and to God. Now that I'm a mom, I can actually grasp how much my parents have loved me. I never realized exactly how much they loved me until I became a parent myself. All of the times I said to my mom, "I don't mean to be rude, but..." (then followed by a rude comment), the times I talked back to her, argued with her, said hateful things to her, just make me cringe now. If I had any clue how much she really loved me, I would've thought before I said those things and I would have been much more forgiving and merciful for times when she made a mistake. Usually, I was the one at fault, but those few times when she wasn't perfect, I could've shown grace. To all of those people out there who complain about their parents, let me tell you something.... I know there are some parents out there who are not the best, but many of us complain about our parents when we shoudn't. For many of you complainers, your parents chose to have you. They chose to love you, to pay for the diapers that covered your bottom, to clean and bathe you, to read stories to you and sing you songs, to pay for your clothes, to tell the same stories about you over and over again to their friends and family, to stalk you on facebook because they can't get enough of you and want to make sure you are behaving, to give you curfews because they want you to be safe and make wise choices, to kiss your boo boos, to put all those presents under the Christmas tree, to cry with you, help you with your homework, show up at those soccer games and take you to all of those practices, to buy 20 boxes of girl scout cookies to support your troop, and so on. For many of us, our parents have invested an immense amount of time, money, sweat, and tears over us because they choose to love us. As their children, we need to show some respect and appreciation. Until you become a parent yourself, you have no idea what lengths they will go to for you. I am able to relate to God more now because He is our heavenly father. I know how much I love Adia, and to think that God loves all of his children even more than I love my own is just unimaginable. I think of God now in more of a fatherly role than I did before. I have a greater understanding of his love and grace for us now and I can imagine how He feels when He is rejected by his own children. I understand free will more. If I had to make Adia love me, I'd be so sad. I love it when she chooses me. I love it that she would rather be in my arms than that nurse's. I love that she looks to me for nourishment, for comfort, and for love. Our bond is so much stronger because of that. She absolutely makes my heart melt with her smiles and her sweet voice. This has been an awfully long post. I just needed to get it out tonight. Now, I can go rest. Please pray for me this week as I go back to work. I'm going to miss my baby like crazy. Below are some pics of my sweet girl before a diaper change today. They are poor quality, since they were taken on my Iphone, but they are still so cute. Happy Birthday to my amazing husband! He had a great time enjoying the UK game tonight at Rupp!